This has been such an eventful week!

I am working to open a Christian private school with a homeschool atmosphere.  God has been placing everything in my lap.  All I need now is the last piece of the puzzle - the building.  I have some great ideas for a temporary place for the 2015-2016 school year, but... it's only a month and a half away.  I am so nervous.  I may be waiting til next year, but that is still really soon!

I am now running the summer camp this year.  My boss is now considering me her "product" now. Lol!

I have been throwing thoughts around about sending some of my childrens' stories into a publisher.  The next thing I know, I have an author messaging me and encouraging me.  Where did she cone from?  I have no idea! Lol... but I'll be sending in a couple stories soon... one at the umpteen millionth request from a bunch of moms who have expressed interest in buying one.  

Also, I have been teaching myself how to cook.  I've never really been a great cook.  Ok, I've always been a really sucky cook, but look at how far I've come!  Pork tenderloin with a mushroom gravy over rice and sugar snap peas.  It was super moist and delicious.

A Sinner in the Garden

Warning: This is an adult post.  You may not want children reading over your shoulder.

Today feels like a good day to purge the soul, but first, let me give you a glimpse into who I am.

1. I am very happy and very bubbly - even when I'm not.  I am easily excitable.  I relish the first snow, blowing dandelions and milkweed into the wind, probing the skies for a meteor shower, and finding those little exoskeletons left from a vacating cicada.  I am moved to tears or loud debating when thinking of the state our world is in (pollution, the melting ice caps, water droughts), the loss of bumblebees due to the chemicals being used on our food, or freedoms being stripped from our family units.  I am definitely an extrovert.  My energy fills up quickly when I am around others.  If I go very long without adult interaction, I begin to feel "thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much toast." (The Fellowship of the Ring)

2. I am quick to forgive and my conscience is constantly wracked with guilt over anything I may or may not have done.  A psychologist may point out that my easy and quick nature to forgive may be in response to a desire to feel forgiven.  While I know that God forgives me and loves me, I often have a hard time forgiving and loving myself.  (I can continue typing on this for days, but... another post, another day.)

3. My brain does NOT shut down.  I am always thinking and stressing - over  conversations I've had that day, reliving how I handled a meltdown from my daughter, questioning my minute-to-minute decisions.  How did my words come across to that parent?  Did they realize I was joking?  Did it sound judgmental?  Does she think that I think lesser of her?  How on earth can I fix that if she did?  Will she still want to speak to me tomorrow?  Why did I allow myself to lose my patience and yell at my daughter?  How else could I have handled it?  Am I messing her up for life?  Am I damaging her heart? What can I do to make it up to her without her thinking I'm condoning her behavior?  I'm the adult, not her.  I should have better self-control than to raise my voice.  Is this the grape that is going to give my child cancer from the buildup of GMO'S?  How about this shampoo? Why can't I find a hair product that will work on my girls' hair?  Why can't I figure out how to braid to the head or do twisties?  Will my daughters grow up and feel confident in how God created them or will they adopt my ill will towards my body?  I can't stand for them to feel for themselves what I have felt for myself.  On and on it goes - always finding fault within myself, always looking for a way to fix me.  Even when I dream, I wake up more exhausted than when I fell asleep

For five years, I dealt with stress in one way: sex.  Marriage was good for me.  Living as a single mother, spending my days teaching 4-year olds, and spending the day having conversations with myself is NOT good for me.  I lost my one de-stressor.  It took me an entire year before I found another - a glass of alcohol or wine before bed.  It helps slow my thoughts down, it relaxes my muscles, and helps me sleep without waking every 20 minutes.

Taking all of this into account, one can hardly gasp in disbelief when my co-worker (adult interaction) asked me out (a break from the kids) to a concert (extrovert) at a night club (alcohol), that I would jump at the opportunity.  I knew it wouldn't be the kind of music I would be proud of listening to.  I knew that the dress I wore was a little too immodest (as characterized by my constant need to pull the length down and the bodice up).  I knew the conversation wouldn't be God-fearing.  I knew that any man seeking my company would only have one thing in mind (and he did - but I didn't).  I was walking into a den of lust just so I could fill myself up and feel unstressed for one single night. I did have fun.  We barely talked about anything and just enjoyed the ungodly music.  I was abandoned by my friends when a guy decided he must be kissed and they thought I could really use time alone with him.  While I quickly cut off any thoughts of possible success to this man, I did go too far with my drinking.  I tried to keep up.  I shouldn't have.  One was more than enough for me.  So while I had an entire night of getting "filled up" and de-stressing, the day after has been an ugly one.

I was not a great witness to my co-worker and her friends.  I was not a very good witness to anyone there.  I drank too much.  I caused one man - that I know of - to lust within his heart for a still-married woman (the divorce is still not, yet finalized).  I feel like a teenager who has just started trying to live right for God when they first give in to their old sinful nature -- only I've known Christ for years.  Now, of course, is where I begin to beat myself up.  I am 29.  I know better. I am an adult and can make healthy decisions.  I may have actually hindered Christ's kingdom last night.  I feel wretched.  I try to console myself in that this is not a decision I normally make, that this was a one-time thing, and that the guilt will keep me from ever repeating it.  Only... I can't accept that.  I have the Holy Spirit within me.  This decision to go should have never been made in the first place.  Now I will go to my coworker and I will apologize for not being a Christ-like example.  I will ask forgiveness of her.  I will ask forgiveness from God.  I will then hold it over my own head for the next five years or until I sin in some way that in my warped sense of mind is worse than the one I just did which will then restart the entire process.  

Paul, I'm totally feeling you.

So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin. So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. (‭Romans‬ ‭7:14 - 8‬:‭1-2‬ NLT)

What can I say?  I'm just a sinner in this garden we call home.   

A Letter to First Time Homeschoolers

Dear Newbie, ;)

Welcome to the club! I wanted to give a little advice just to get you started!

First things first: Don't overwhelm yourself. A lot of new homeschooling parents have no idea what to do and they use what they're used to as a jumping point... a place to test the waters. Usually this results in parents recreating public school at home. For some it works, for others it doesn't. Just know there is a freedom here.

Don't be surprised if you realize your ideas and views of homeschool change drastically within days, weeks, months, and even years from beginning.

Today, you are excited with decorations and curriculum, but tomorrow you may find that none of that matters and spending the day at the park as a family, playing hopscotch, and following a line of ants to its source is the preferred agenda of the day. Today you worry about grades, but next month you'll realize you can't grade the joy your child gets from making homemade snow or sugar crystals.

When things start to feel overwhelming, stop and breathe. Think about your goals and why you are doing this. Is what you are doing supporting those goals or feeding something that has been ingrained inside of you?

Remember, not only are your children about to experience a large amount of changes in routine and life in general, but you will also be experiencing change. You are immersing yourself in a new way of life. It may take time before you feel completely at ease and even then... you're going to have days where you question everything from your sanity and God's will to the legality of shock collars.

Just remember, this isn't school. This is life. You live it and you make it what it is. Enjoy it and remember to go easy on yourself.

Signed,
A Mommy Who Cares

Dandelion Dreams on a Rocky Path

In 2008, I rebelled against God.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  I felt unloved.  I began a relationship out of this rebellion.  In May of 2009, I married and quickly gained 3 wonderful, beautiful, goofy children.  Very quickly the hard times came roaring in.

In the years following, I endured through times of hardship in which I likened myself unto a single parent - such as the time periods in which my husband was gone for basic/AIT or deployment, or times in which I felt abandoned or neglected or simply unloved and unwanted.  It wasn't until January of 2014 that I felt the full force of what it meant to be a single mother.  My world came crashing down before my eyes. 

All I knew was that in the months preceding, my heart had been opened to the wonders of homeschool.  I had already been convicted for years that the responsibility for a child's training rested soley on the parents.  It took years of convincing my partner of the same.  (Okay - so he wasn't convinced, but he agreed that the schools were allowing our son to fall through the cracks.)  When I moved home, there was no doubt in my mind that I had to find a way to continue homeschooling my children. 

The following year was a gigantenormous exercise of faith and trusting in the Lord.  There was one obstacle after another.  I felt like I was in the middle of a lake in the middle of a storm.  The water was low and you could see the other side, but every time I tried to take a step off my stone, the water would come gushing in its attempt to sweep me away.  All I had were two rocks: Christ and my own willpower.  One of those rocks were all jagged and slick with moss while the other was a perfect stepping stone. All I could do was pick up the one stone and place it in front of me, take a step, and pick up the stone I just vacated and lay it down once more.   It didn't take long before the force of the water started cutting through the jagged, slippery rock slowly beating it into a smooth stone.  As long as I kept my willpower lined up with Christ, the torrents only worked in my favor, but the second I thought my rock was enough and tried to step away from Christ, the floods would return higher and more threatening than before.

Through this ordeal, not only did I learn what it was to REALLY trust God, but I was also able to witness an ever-loving Father's faithfulness to his daughter.  No matter what happened, God was right behind me picking up the pieces.  It's as if He allowed me to go through so much so that I could finally believe beyond a shadow of a doubt... He loves me.  He cares for me.  He wants good things for me. 

Please join me on this journey as I navigate the world of singleness, full time employment, and homeschooling all while keeping the hearts of my children.

Kimmy